Friday, February 19, 2010

Talk to the Hand

I've taken my bitch pills again today.

After a great workout with Justen, I came home (in a great mood, mind you) to find one of my neighbors pulling out of her parking space ... and leaving her gate open.

At the apartment building where I live, we park in stalls that have iron gates. The gates serve no purpose except to be annoying. They aren't locked and sometimes are difficult to open and close. In order to pull your car in or out, you must open your gate, enter or leave, then get out of your car and close your gate before driving off. If you leave your gate open, then your neighbor must close your gate in order to get to his or her car. We've asked that the gates be removed, but the owner insists in keeping them. Sometimes, like when a garbage truck is coming down the alley or there's a lot of alley traffic, you can't get out and close it without causing a tie up, but that's the exception, not the rule.

Okay, so several months ago a new neighbor moved in. She NEVER FREAKING CLOSES her gate, leaving it for me and 3 other tenants to close it if we want to use our parking spots. Even when she's arrives home, she refuses to close it. Other neighbors have spoken to her about it and have told me she simply ignores them. Today she was pulling out of her stall as I was returning home from the gym. She didn't close her gate as usual. As she drove past me I yelled at her: CLOSE YOUR GATE.

She stopped her SUV, climbed out of her car, and proceeded to explain that this morning she had a 104 fever and was on her way to the doctor. It was 8:05 a.m. She was dressed to the nines, with full makeup and not a hair out of place. She's trim and fit and quite attractive. 104 fever my fat ass!

When I asked her what her excuse was every other day, she started giving me a litany of complaints: shoulder injury, headaches, tired, you name it. I told her to save it for someone else and to close her gate in the future, it's all I ask.

Then she did something that really pissed me off - she played the age card. Oh yeah, she did. She announced to me that she doesn't close her gate because she is "almost 62 years old." (Notice how fast she dropped the 104 fever act.) Now that age thing might work on someone else, like one of our younger neighbors, but on my 57+ ass, no way! And I told her so. I let her know that I was nearly her age so that excuse wasn't gonna fly and shame on her!

Fess up neighbor lady: You're lazy. You're a prima dona. You're not a good neighbor. You're self-centered. Pick one and stick to it, but don't try to sell the helpless old lady bit to me, not unless you're pushing 70 or using a walker or cane or have an arm in a sling. (Trust me, this woman was pretty damn fit looking.)

I know this woman will still NEVER CLOSE HER GATE, and I'm going to have to live with that. It is what it is. And I am thankful she lives on another floor and I almost never see her. Even if I do, I can hold my own.

Okay - two bitch sessions in one week. I'm blaming this one on Odelia. I'm working on Odelia book #6 right now and accosting an inconsiderate neighbor is definitely something Odelia would do. I've got my Odelia game face on. You think my neighbor will buy that as an excuse for my bitchiness?


Mark said...

That sounds like the people who park in the alley with garages at my condo complex. Right under the "No Parking: Fire Lane" signs.

Parking is abismal in the complex. I get it. But when you park your car in the alley, I can't get into or out of my garage. Then I have to try to track down the owner of the car. And they sometimes have the nerve to act like I'm the mean one for making them move my car.

Sorry, this was supposed to be your rant. :)

Sue Ann Jaffarian said...

Mark, Parking in LA is everyone's rant. GO FOR IT!

Abby Wong said...

I don't think you were excessively bitchy. I think you were just the right amount for the occasion. As one of my best friends said to me, "Bitchinessis underrated.If you weren't a bitch sometimes, I wouldn't be friends with you." Can you start reporting her to the owner (just call and leave a message every time she leaves it open until he is driven crazy and speaks with her)? Her behavior is ridiculous.I'm glad you talked to her about it!

Stacia said...

Here's a suggestion from my evil mind: you and the neighbors should get some rope and tie her gate closed with knots that would make an Eagle Scout proud and that would take her 15 minutes to undo. After a few episodes of that, she MIGHT get it. Glad i live in the boondocks, but sorry that I am not closer so that I could loan Jon to you. He IS a former Scoutmaster...

Alan Orloff said...

"...I can hold my own."

No doubt. My money is on you, but if you do mix things up, could you please tape it and put it up on YouTube?

chana said...

I agree with Stacia...I would probably close her gate and wedge it shut somehow. Or do something to block her access. Or, as an alternative, she would start getting phone calls asking her to close her about 2am.

You can't be too bitchy with an inconsiderate prima donna.