So Writer Sue Ann made a contractual promise to deliver an entire book in a whole new series in eight weeks. Problem is, she forgot to discuss the matter with Paralegal Sue Ann. Normally this would not be a problem, but, you see, near the end of the year, Paralegal Sue Ann often works 10+ hour days. This conveniently slipped Writer Sue Ann’s mind.
Here is a sample of a recent conversation at the Jaffarian household:
Writer Sue Ann: Come on now. You can do it. Just a couple of pages.
Paralegal Sue Ann: Grrrrr. I just worked 11-1/2 hours straight without a break. I’m pooped.
Writer Sue Ann: May I remind you that February 1st will be here before you know it.
Paralegal Sue Ann: You can stick February 1st where the sun doesn’t shine.
Writer Sue Ann: Aw, don’t be like that. Just a page. A single page. Then you can go to bed.
Paralegal Sue Ann: My brain is fried. One page might as well be ten. And may I remind you that I have to be in the office by 7 tomorrow morning.
Writer Sue Ann: Tell you what, if you write two pages, you can buy some new shoes with some of the advance money.
Paralegal Sue Ann: Shoes? Did you say shoes?
Writer Sue Ann: Is it a deal?
Paralegal Sue Ann: I’m thinking. I’m thinking. Hmmm, Nordstroms or Payless?
Writer Sue Ann: Macy’s – on sale.
Paralegal Sue Ann: I’d rather have a flat screen TV.
Writer Sue Ann: Wouldn’t we all?
Paralegal Sue Ann: Keep the shoes. I don’t need no stinkin’ shoes. I’m going to bed.
Writer Sue Ann: Okay, then, what’s a flat screen TV worth to you?
Paralegal Sue Ann: I’m thinking. I’m thinking. Okay, two pages and I get the TV and I get to go to bed.
Writer Sue Ann: Not so fast, slick. A TV isn’t a pair of shoes. Five pages a day on weekdays; 10 pages on each Saturday and Sunday until the deadline.
Paralegal Sue Ann: 2 pages a day. Period.
Writer Sue Ann: 4 a day; 15 on the weekend.
Paralegal Sue Ann: 2 a day; 10 total on the weekend.
Writer Sue Ann: 3 a day during the week; 15 over the weekend, plus edits. And that’s my final offer.
Paralegal Sue Ann (sitting down at the computer): That freaking TV had better have a built-in DVD player.
If any of you reading this haven't already figured out that writers are nuts, you haven't been paying attention.
Oil painting: Split Personality II by Santiago Proaño.