Got up and put on my sneakers and sweats this morning and hit the road at 6 am, intending to increase my walking distance to nearly 4 miles. At about 3/4 of a mile, I just couldn't put put one foot in front of the other to continue. I stood on the sidewalk and started crying as negativity as thick and heavy as a sopping wet blanket smothered me: What the fuck am I doing? Who am I kidding? I can't do the Mud Run. And what in the hell am I doing going to Hawaii? It's not in my budget, either financially or time-wise. How in the hell am I going to get a new book done on top of promoting other books? My knee hurts. My head hurts. I can't walk another step. I can't. I can't. I can't. I turned around and headed home, crying the whole way, thankful it was still dark out.
Once home, I wasn't feeling any better. Had I not already made my bed, I would have crawled back into it. It's now 90 minutes later. I'm feeling better in some respects, worse in others. I have to get into the shower, get dressed, do my hair, and go to work. I didn't get my exercise in. Didn't write a word except for this. Instead I had a meltdown.
I wondered, as I wrote this, if I should post it to my blog. Should I let the world know that sometimes I crash and burn? I mean, I have a good job, great friends and family. My health. I'm loved and I love. My dream of being an author has been realized and I have other dreams and goals ahead of me. Generally, I'm a pretty happy squirrel. But sometimes ...
I know I'm not alone in battling depression and negative thoughts. We're human, it happens. Today, I'll allow myself to wallow a bit. But tomorrow I will pull on my sneakers and sweats and put one foot in front of the other for 3.5-4 miles. I will write on the new novel and I will be productive. And I will note that Hawaii is around the corner and will be loads of fun, and that the Mud Run is just 4 months away and doable.
I will remember that everything is going to work out just fine if I stay my course, fight the good fight, and don't lose myself to the dark side.